o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
