DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
