i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
