If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
