She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
