So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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