Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
