dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
