can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
