That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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