She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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