as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
P.S. I can't hear my feet
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
