I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
