I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
