Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Randomize
