My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
