Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
