so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
