if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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