I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
