Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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