I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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