I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
