we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
