i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
people are starting to question the shark bite story
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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