Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
