o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
