I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
