Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
