Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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