Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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