Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
How's work?
Spinning.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
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