I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
