you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
