did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
