bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I am naked and annoyed.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
