Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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