I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
