There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
