Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
