why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
