good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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