Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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