Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
