Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
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