Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
