where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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