She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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