This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
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