Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My feet surprised me
Randomize
