well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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