my phone needs a breathalizer
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
