If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
