I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
