I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
