my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
i need some magic done to my vagina
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
