btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
