It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I just googled if crying burns calories
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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