I could make wine with my vomit
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
did i walk over a car last night?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
