My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
